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I need to invent JaaS, pronounced Jazz, which is secretly just Jenkins as a Service, but is the CI everyone is hoping and wishing for.

Everyone out here with their cobbled together hell of YAML and docker containers trying to build the perfect CI system, and Groovy is just sitting there being simple.

no, as soon as you try to do anything slightly complex, the disguise comes off, and it's Java.
@Andrew Hewus Fresh I've done a bunch of Jenkins and the lies are pretty easy to keep going! I swear!
It's possible i haven't done the proper ceremonies, ours didn't come with a book of rituals.
@Andrew Hewus Fresh pretty standard, wave a dead chicken, a pint of blood to Amazon, a coworker with a cluestick
where do you get that last one? Specially one for Groovy and Jenkins?